shedding the outer shell
As narcissistic as I am… As huge of an ago as I’ve got… The outer shell of confidence, cockiness and strength that I project is SUCH a show. We all have many layers, but I have two serious layers: the outer shell that protects the very weak vulnerable self at my core.
At the end of the day, I am so delicate, so sensitive, and so vulnerable. I rarely let anyone get underneath the harder outer layer of protection and confidence. When I do, I’m very nervous and insecure while they’re seeing the real me. I am quick to push them out, quick to take offense, quick to read into their actions as more aggresive or threatening.
I’m pretty sure this shit stems from my childhood. I used to be all outer shell of happiness, confidence, and ego. The rug was pulled from under me when I realized that over many years the people who I thought were my friends in fact, didn’t like me.
I was oblivious to the mean comments because I was just a simple, happy person. They didn’t like me constantly trying to please the teachers by knowing the answers, they didn’t like me as an overachiever, they didn’t like how naive I was about life (my mom raised me catholic–I thought that “fuck” meant “let the devil be with you” so of course, I never used the word) They didn’t like that I was a tomboy and that I didn’t act “like a girl” - I loved sci fi, fantasy, Dungeons and Dragons, Star Wars, 1960s champagne music Dean Martin, soccer, baseball and video games. I hated dressing up, make up, and feminine behavior.
Once I realized that my reality of happiness and acceptance was completely false, I built this shell up to protect myself.
Now I need a lesson on WHO to let in, HOW TO ACT when they’re in there, and how to soften up that outer shell. This 22 year old (whom I’m trying not to be serious about) is so innocent and simple–he’s made me think a lot about trust, vulnerability. I’ve only been with him 3 times this week, and I can’t believe how much I’ve learned! He also has me talking about how my self-worth cannot be attached to the happiness of others or else I’ll never be happy. We had this weird “you’re a martyr and you need to live for yourself” talk and well, I’m kinda inspired to work on me 
Most of my relationships I focus on pleasing the other person, but this guy is refreshingly insightful on why this isn’t good and already wants to help me change. WEIRD! but good.
