Tails of a 17th Street Geisha

Ever get so mad at someone that you run off to bitch to your friends and then they get this immensely skewed perspective of the person. Of course, in your anger you fail to also mention the good aspects of the relationship. Sometimes, on occasion, when you’re REALLY pissed off, your mouth runs away with the momentum of your emotions and I’ll start to blog negatively about your insignificant others. Oops, did I say "I’ll" I meant, "you’ll start to…" ?

I have been known to rant, rave, froth at the mouth and let my blog get the best of my emotions. It feels good to pour out the emotions. However, I Want to say that in defense of my current bf, there is a great deal that I did NOT mention about him and about our relationship.

Firstly, although I’ve known him since October, ours has been a turbulent relationship. He and I are VERY similar and we have never ever dated anyone like ourselves before. Is that right? I’m a different type of person, one he’s never dated or even met before and he’s a libertarian (I’ve dated them) but he’s a libertarian WITH A BRAIN and his own thoughts!  We both thoroughly enjoy hanging out together  in spite some of the growing pains of our differences along the way. I’m overly attentive, affectionate, aggressive and intense and he is extremely laid back and passive. Maybe we’re not good together, but we have fun regardless.

my only problem is that I haven’t gotten action since… um… jeez. 2 weeks. I’m climbing the walls here.

back to my point, should a relationship be this difficult? I ALWAYS put up a major resistance when I first start dating someone. I don’t know how to relax. I put the brakes on, start throwing out red flags… like the following:

1) He lives all the way in Dallas!

2) He’s addicted to coke (true story)

3) He owns guns, "carries" in Virginia and is a registered republican!

4) He smokes, is a pot-head and has diabetes and complains that my 5k racing-ass is unhealthy!

5) He likes Dave Matthews!

6) He corrects my grammar!

How the FUCK am I dating these guys? Why do I let the dating move beyond the first date and turn into a full-blown relationships? Am I too open-minded? Is this why I’m constantly putting on the breaks? Guess which one Max is, of the above?  I never thought I could date someone with guns just by my sheer fear of them. Heck, I don’t even like holding sharp knives. I like him SO much that I am trying to be accepting and hear him out. He’s extremely interesting too.

Whatever happens, I think I’m going to cocoon myself in my apartment when I’m not at work. or at the gym. NO MORE MEN. NO MORE FRIENDS. I’m going into hiding until the spring. SWEAR IT!

So Max is back. I saw him today for dinner. It was awkward for me but not for him. He didn’t see anything wrong with text messaging me when he got back from his trip. I told him that it had been so long since I had seen or heard from him that I forgot what he looked like.

I’m evaluating what I want in a relationship and I realize that affection is pretty important with me. He shows affection in very strange ways and not as often as I would like. I shouldn’t be with someone who I’m wondering, half the time, what he thinks about me. It just isn’t right.

My gut is telling me that if it doesn’t feel right, maybe I should move on. My gut is also telling me that I might have had too much for dinner.

Of course, it might be the pills that are making me all emotional and sensitive. Sometimes, I get all sensitive and make a mountain out of a molehill. I should not forget the many reasons why I like him and the variety of ways he shows affection. for some reason though, I just wish he showed more signs of caring.

I’m going to try to relax about it, not think too hard and not ask for too much. Maybe we’ll get into a better groove of things now that he’s back. It’s just obnoxious that I today is the first I’ve seen him since valentine’s day.

oh well. whatever. I’ll wait and see.

I don’t really have a boyfriend. I’m just beginning to realize this. He’s has been away for the last 10 days, I haven’t seen him in practically 2 weeks. We’ve barely spoken–just once–the entire duration of his trip. He returned and was in his house at 9pm this Sunday night. He wasn’t arriving the airport at 9pm, he was at his house. And then he TEXTED me to say that he’s going to sleep (at 9pm? at 9pm! asleep. at 9pm.) and will call me tomorrow. Doesn’t even call me. Doesn’t want to see me. I’m sure that he must be oh-so-tired from being on vacation, on a ski trip, to want to just go to sleep immediately after the long and arduous VACATION.

COP OUT!

Who does that? We’ve been dating since October and got a little bit serious in January when I got on birth control pills (which made me gain 5 pounds have 18 days of rag in a 30 day period–pun intended.) He’s back and does not really seem interested in seeing me…

At this point, I think I would rather be alone. Is this what a boyfriend is all about? NO. I’ve never been in a relationship where the guy I was with seemed so detached. I don’t actually feel like I’m in a relationship with him.

When he’s with me, we have a great time and he’s wonderfully considerate. It’s just when we’re not together that it seems like I don’t really have a boyfriend–that he’s not really involved in a relationship with me. He’s never around on the weekend, I never know if or when I’m going to see him. I like to be spontaneous and flexible but never making plans is ridiculous.

I haven’t seen him or heard from him in so long that I don’t even feel like I have a boyfriend. I barely remember what he looks like.

Now that he’s back, I’m dreading seeing him. Why? Because I don’t even know how he feels about me. What does he think about me? Does he even miss me? This is a horrible feeling. I wish he cared about me. Doesn’t that suck?

I’m taking a LONG break after this one and dating NO ONE. Maybe "gym" but he keeps fucking up my knees. and ankles.

I can’t get enough of this

Hey all,

My best friend lived through the night. There was a chance of her going into Acute Liver Failure (which has a one in three chance of death!) but she survived. THANK GOD!

She’s in a hospital now and will be there for a while, but she’s okay and hopefully will get the help she needs to be better.

I had lunch with a coworker today and saw someone playing on the downtown astroturf that reminded me of my best friend. I started to cry thinking about how she would come to my work and hang out and distract me. Then I realized that I’ve been a little emotional recently, very sensitive…

Well *duh*! Shit kind of hit the fan over the weekend, but something else was at play here….

I had to think about it all day long until I realized what could be affecting me… MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS!

For the last 3 weeks, since I started my pills, I have had the weirdest cycle! I have spent more days ON my period than off. Now, that’s not CONTIGUOUSLY, mind you. I had a week on, then a week off and now I’m back on–not a good sign… I don’t mind this weird cycle except for the fact that I am EXTREMELY emotional because of it. Oi vey!

I thought the pill was supposed to regulate me but it has turned me into a big cry baby with a moment of extreme sadness each day… Today I saw was watching Grey’s Anatomy (DVD) and a woman reminded me of my mom and THAT made me cry. I’m telling you, I RARELY cry and with the help of FemCon FE  I seem to be making up for it in abundance these last couple of days.  Maybe I am a wild beast that cannot be tamed by a daily dose of estrogen and progesterine (or whatever they put in "the pill")

Changing the subject, I moved around the furniture in my apartment. Totally rearragned everything: the "Bedroom," living room… the whole nine. if there were movable furniture in the shitter that would have been moved as well. I love three-day weekends.

Someone I love is in critical condition right now. I don’t know much of what is going on, but I know that she has overdosed on her own antidepressents and she even took some of her sister’s meds. Her dad found her in the hallway passed out. She had her stomach pumped at the ER, but they say that she has too much ammonia in her body and could go into liver failure. She would have to be transferred to another hospital to get dialysis.

I’m really not sure what this means for her. I’m scared. She’s in ICU. They’re going to see what happens in the next couple of hours.

I haven’t done this list in a while. Here are my top 10 Things in life that are making me happy right now:

1) Pandora Radio–great uninterrupted music that changes depending up

2) My own WiFi connection that is secure comp AND WiFi connection)

3) Having NO roommates. freedom. walking around house in anything (or nothing) I want to wear (or not wear)

4) Three day weekends

5) Drea’s on facebook–more fun! more inside-joke dropping

6) The Office, Season Four on Nbc.com (no netflix needed!!!)

7) Random weekends in NYC. I’m totally going back ASAP

Zappos.com — I’ve known about it, but I hearty heart heart heart it

9) Oranges from Whole Paycheck

10) Newly designated One-Way streets of Kalorama, Euclid, 17th Street–This can mean only one thing: The NEW Harris Teeter is ALMOST HERE :0) :0) :0)

I’m so easy! Shut up.

I just realized something. I put up with a LOT of bull shit. A TON OF BULL SHIT.

Right now I realize that I excuse a lot of disrespect towards me. I have been in an abusive friendship with someone who I mentor, support professionally, and allowed to live in my apartment for 5 months rent-free to help her while she job searched in DC.

I know I may come across like a loud-mouth, hard-headed, stubborn, know-it-all, who doesn’t put up with shit and calls people out. But seriously… Sometimes, I allow people who are close to me to walk all over me!

I am so SO mad at this one person. She is condescending, disrespectful, and abusive as a friend.

I have made every excuse in the book for her behavior. "Oh, she’s insecure" or " she’s competing with me" or "she’s strange and nobody’s perfect" or "she’s different and that’s why I like her…"

enough of this shit! She has reached my threshold for abuse which is high, given what I had to go through to work at a certain feminist organization for five years.

I’m SUCH a bleeding heart liberal. I allow relativism to make a doormat of me. I excuse bad behavior and take the high road. I never stick up for myself.

I would rather be ALONE than have this kind of friendship.  She makes fun of me, of how I dress, who I date, how I interact with people. She is condescending and constantly giving me unsolicited advice on EVERYTHING. She tells me that she tunes me out for the most part when I’m talking to her.

I haven’t spoken to her for a week and I am better off for it.

Grrrrrrr!