I want to take a moment to offer a somewhat lengthy pubic service announcement (yes I typed it without an L):
we are deeper than 3 dates.
there’s more to us than meets the eye.
people are complicated.
have you ever seen the real world?
|
"This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to live in a
house, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what
happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real. The
Real World." |
|
So you say, it’s not quite "real" because there are cameras, they
live in a great house, when would you ever live with other people for
free? My point is that even under such crazy circumstances, people will
eventually show their true colors. EVENTUALLY is the operative word.
IN THE BEGINNING, however, people will always try to put on their
best face and get along with others. There is a fantasy phase in ALL
relationships, when there is no burping, farting, scratching, swearing,
or criticism. This fantasy phase is also when you assume things about
your partner’s personality that you don’t know yet:
IE: you think he’s a partier and drinker because of his beer
belly, but he’s just has bad eating habits (first year in
college boyfriend) or you think he’s got an amazing perspective on life
because he questions everything, he’s simply darkly and disturbingly
cynical.
You prematurely put the person on the pedestal and you don’t really
know who they are! Anyone who is rebounding, desperate for love, or
unable to function by herself (who might very well have issues that she
is running away from)… well, these folks will date and find a long
term relationship VERY quickly. How can they find love so quickly when
others spend weeks, months, years, and entire lifetimes looking for it?
Pedestal serial monogamists: sees the good in
everyone and overlooks the bad qualities in a mate. Falls in love
easily. Puts the person on a pedestal. Sometimes that person comes
crashing down off the pedestal when real flaws and traits are too hard
to ignore.
Abused serial monogamists: endured a dysfunctional
relationship with a father figure, abused in a past relationship,
or experienced some intimate or familial trauma early on that makes it
easy for them to have low standards in looking for love AND/OR able to
suffer through a bad relationship. Often they’re simply repeating the
cycle of abuse by enduring a bad relationship (this doesn’t mean the
person they’re with is abusing them, the abuse comes from enduring a
bad relationship of two incompatible people)
I’m sure there’s more if I think of it. The thing that they have in
common is they can’t be alone so they’ll make some compromise and be
with someone even if they see red flags or no real future with the
person. And some will be so blindly "in love" that they don’t even see
the flags and believe there’s a great future.
I hate romantics.
I can tell when I’m with someone who wants to get serious very fast.
This pot-head I went out with a year ago wanted a wife really badly. He
told me he loved me within the first 3 weeks and was pissed that I
didn’t reciprocate. The relationship dragged out for 3 months because I
wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and I had to end it
eventually.
I went out on 2 dates with someone very recently who was upset that
I broke it off with him. He told me "maybe I should have said that I
liked you, more" and was really upset about it. However, it was 2
dates. He was clinging on to me as though he knew me more and we had
established a stronger connection. It could only get worse from there.
|
My advice to all you serial monogamists:
**give it a chance to develop!
**don’t go diving in, head first, with the first person who has 10% of the things you really want.
**don’t invest too quickly, too early
**there are great people in the world, that doesn’t mean they’re great for you
**you don’t really know them! it’s unfair to think a person is so
perfect and wonderful because then they have to live up to that perfect
image and nobody’s perfect.
real love is deep, based on loving a person while knowing fully well
that they are flawed and accepting that there are things you cannot
change about that person. otherwise, you might as well be in an
arranged marriage.
|
