Should I go into hiding forever?
I am a loner. I have no friends, am in seclusion, but will I stay in shadow forever?
here’s what I mean:
For three months, I have been out and about, showing Drea the world of DC, gays and city living. I’ve taken her to ball games, national cathedrals, parks, ice skating, museums, and gay parties. She has learned about gym culture, politics, public transportation and navigating medical insurance. I have introduced her to my coworkers, my bosses, and work associates that I interact with sporadically. She has gone to PH conferences, meetings, volunteer nights and work parties.
She has been my side kick, confidante, best friend, roommate, sparring partner, and sometimes enemy as we argue over mistakes and misunderstandings. We were a family and even adopted a dog. We were never at home, always eating out, always working out and inseperable save school and work (and even in the begining she was with me at the office post-school).
We threw a birthday party where she met many of my friends and hosted 3 goodbye parties the weekend before she left.
She left and I was forced to go in solitary confinement with a cold/flu/cough from hell. Well, I wasn’t totally isolated, I stayed with Wendy and the two of us were coughing bookends–miserable, sleeping all day long, and illin’
Long story shortened (but not quite short), I have been in hiding since Drea left. Sick, tired, stressed, and still busy with apartment logistic crap, I hadn’t really struck out of my house (er, Wendy’s amazing condo) during the entire month of December.
I went to Texas and spent more time in bed than out of it because of my cold.
So fast forward to tonight, what was going to be my "coming out party" where I finally entered the social scene and enjoyed myself fraternizing in the company of gays and straights all bonded by good indie music. Alas, I was too sick to go but really just ended up working late, like every night since I returned from vacation. I was at the office, on a Friday night, at 8pm. At least I had an interesting conversation about immigration and worker’s rights in spanish with one of the cleaning crew (my spanish has improved over time I am noticing…)
Anyway, I wonder if I will ever go out into the public. If my friends will include me in their spam party alert text messages and call me for brunch. I wonder if any of them will dignify or mention the motherhood that was thrust upon me as quickly as it was taken away. I know that my gym accepted me with open arms and remarked upon my absence from the "scene" ("where have you BEEN?" said the pool guy last night!) but of course, I pay for my monthly membership so they’ll take me back, I’m paying!
I have spent more time being indoors and secluded and have enjoyed it. Perhaps I’m enjoying a break from the mayhem of showing Drea around? Perhaps it’s not a break and I shall forever remain a hermit? What if I don’t return to the scene and my friends and I forever avoid most of them unless they aggressively seek me out. What if being sick was just an excuse to not go out tonight? I did end up working.
I will figure this out after a long night of sleep. yay!
January 5th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
hi i can be ur frend if u want..
juz add me lady_chi_nita@yahoo.com
January 6th, 2007 at 12:21 am
Awwww Debs hugs =p
January 6th, 2007 at 12:28 am
Don’t feel bad for me! I’m quite content to be alone. I’m just not sure if I will keep this deb-in-hiding for long or not. advice y’all?
January 6th, 2007 at 1:17 am
i wuz in ur situation before… me and my Penninah got separated 10 years ago… she left me without saying any word… but u know what? i found her again… after a decade of searching she’s back in my life again.
don’t feel bad Deb… don’t go into hiding… maybe one day she’s back with you again!
guns
gunsflorida@gmail.com
January 6th, 2007 at 5:53 am
always put a smile in your face,,
January 6th, 2007 at 6:57 am
“We live alone, we cry alone and so we’ll die alone”. Being alone doesn’t mean one is lonely.
Though friends keep us sane, grounded and in touch with the outside world….from time to time
I look forward to your speedy recovery.
January 6th, 2007 at 7:54 am
Dont u evr let that fuggin cold stop you from a ball of a time outside. Ur killing urself girlfren..go out n smell the air.Like FRESH air. Not gays and city living? NONONO.. Well maybe if u still do prefer indoors den have a sleep over/bbq/movie marathon thingy over at ur place? strictly just ladies..cuz i believe its just the woman that can really listen, or are good enuff to try to even pretend to listen. Sounds a lota fun!
And yeh..
there will be the ppl who’ll be there fer you..They’ve been n will always be beside you…but its up to u whether u wana find em or not..and maybe actually see them..
Stay strong honey.. Life isint such a pain if u try take a look on the other side… or maybe in sum cases.. on any side..if there even is a fuggin god darn side.HAHA..cheers, and heppi new yrs babe.
January 6th, 2007 at 9:15 am
thanks crazy fai-kini-ku!
January 6th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Life is a constant struggle, Deb and for every hardship,there is relief! Ur tougher than what you think you are …. There lies beautiful things behind bad ones! There is always a reason why things happen in our lives, although sometimes we cant understand why … I say these because i myself survived life by myself for a long time. I lived most of my years alone but am not a loner. I enjoy life whatever it offers ….. so … hang on girl and be tough (which i think u r)
January 6th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
ya, i understand your situation, i myself have been like that most past couple months, i dont want to stay in this situation, but i have to.. have no choice…….aint that worse?
January 6th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Hi there! my name is Mie iam from the land of the rising sun .i saw and read about you and seems that ya had bad/good relation.all i can say is that, ya must go on .but different way.i supposed .my english/grammar is not that good but i can read and understand hope to talk to you sometime soon .heres my yahoo account fendimay_fca_rja@yahoo.com
Mie/japan
January 6th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
hi there…cheer up,n dont hide urself behind silly reasons..i know its easier to say than to do..but still theres no harm tryin..tc debb..;)
January 6th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
have a realigion my dear… not only islam, but there a lots of realigion to learn and your time will be fill with blessing. NOTE: learn about the realigion ang think which rigion should you e in…?
January 6th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
buddhism
January 7th, 2007 at 4:08 am
Hi…
My name is Lingga…
I live in Indonesia…
I just want to honest with you…
I don’t understand about what do u write,but I can understand a little…
I think…ur not a loner!!!
You still have family!!!
Your family can make you still survive…
I hope you can survive…
GOD always keep you…
Ur not a loner!!!
You still have GOD and ur family…
I think,my comment can make you keep smile…
Thank’s…
PS:Where do you live?Does you a girl or a boy???
January 7th, 2007 at 6:02 am
Deb,
I didn’t realize Drea would affect you so! But that just shows how big your heart is and how full of love it is for everyone!
Please know that we are here for you! and I’m sure I speak for the rest of the family! WE are just a phone call away!!!
ps. I like what the other posters are saying, Find God! Find a Religion!
I love you and miss you!!!!!!
^i^
January 7th, 2007 at 8:08 am
Big A! I found Jesus. Remember when we were on West 6th Street, antique shopping and He was outside with his hand extended? Can you send me those pictures please? :)))))
okay, seriously though, thanks for the advice all.
January 7th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Hey it’s nice to know that you found Jesus =) Have a blessed one!
January 7th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Stevano– on West 6th Street in Austin. I can’t wait to post a picture, IT IS HILARIOUS!
January 7th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
ola!!!
All I can say is —- there’s always a reason to smile. FIND IT! After all, you’re really blessed just to be alive. Life is so short… Were not here for a long time; were here for a good time and for a purpose….live well, laugh often and love much… yr thoughts determine your character and the first person you lead is you….take care and God bless you….. my private mail is green_tea924@yahoo.com
January 7th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
ur pathetic
January 8th, 2007 at 6:50 am
Thanks Spawn, I can be pathetic at times. This post was interpreted really wrong. I’m not doing the whole woe is me thing, I’m actually enjoying the solitude and introversion