Tails of a 17th Street Geisha

Much to everyone’s chagrin (I know) I haven’t been blogging as frequently as in weeks passed (week’s past? week’s passed… someone comment on what is grammatically correct, this is bugging me.)

Anyway, I spent the entire weekend silent. Me? Quiet?!

It was one crazy ass weekend. Well, not really. Just a little on the busy side.

I’ve been kind of quiet about romance/sex because I have some people who are reading my blog who I have had intimate or romantic relations with. I think I need to move to another blog website so that I can blog with the freedom of anonymity. I feel like a lusty cyber-squatter moving from site to site with a trail of lovers left in the virtual lurches. Or a 21st Century Hester Prynn forced to move town lest she run around with a scarlet A on her chest. Or something.

Current readers that make me conscientious of what I post include the following blokes:

(#1) MY FAVORITE: There is one guy who is trying to separate himself from me to get over me and move on, but reads out of curiosity, nostalgia, or self-destructiveness because by reading, he is likely making it more difficult to separate from me entirely.  Why DO you read my blog Mr. Macomb street?

(#2) EUROTRASH: There is a guy who I met a year ago this month who I ran into on Saturday in Virginia of all places. We might hang out, but he lives in Arlington, so that puts a damper on things. Me and this guy have a TON in common. He is one of the few who has the quality that I put on my "ideal boyfriend" list–he’s very eurotrash and loves electronica. He LOVES Daft Punk–a major bonus.  He’s into PR and networking (it’s his job and he hustles free shit all the time–including backstage passes, which is very me!) But I don’t feel altogether comfortable around him. I did only go out with him for a short period of time.

(#3) THE NEWCOMER: There is a newcomer who is very adorable but also different than the kind of guy I normally go out with. He’s a real GEEK and really wants me to tell him what his red flags are, but I have not made my mind up about it. We partied hard this weekend.

(#4) COLUMBIA WHITES: There is one person who might be reading this who I am hanging out with as a friend who sends mixed messages. I really enjoy his company, sometimes I don’t understand him (either he’s mumbling or soft-spoken or I’m going deaf!) I think we both just want to be friends, but I’m not sure. I feel like I get mixed messages every time. I saw him this weekend too.

#5) DALLAS: I am completely over this guy but still not quite interested in talking to. I’m not sure if it’s worth attempting to have a friendship with this person because it’s difficult, logistically to be friends with this guy. It entails a lot of texting, calls or IM’ing and I really don’t have a lot of time for that.

I tell some friend’s all about my love life and they’ve noted that every time I go out in public I run into exes. I used to think that it was because I have bad luck, but my friends just think I’m skanky. I date a lot, so what!?

I did not list the aforementioned men as a passive aggressive way of telling each of them how I feel about them. This is not a list of prospective romantic interests. I’m simply stating that each of these guys who may potentially be reading the blog (or who I KNOW are reading) have caused me to be more careful in what I blog about and even considering moving it to another site.

Okay, so that’s my dealio.

Is it because it’s cold out?

Is it because I’m tired?

Is it because I’m still dealing with withdrawals of having been a mommy to Drea?

Is it because I was sick for 3 weeks?

Is it because I got in a restless funk from lack of exercise due to being too sick to workout and now I can’t get back to the gym?

I have ZERO motivation to do anything.

I don’t feel like I’ve been getting out much, but I also don’t feel like I’ve been cooped up in my house. It’s a strange feeling but I feel rather apathetic.

I know what my problem might be–I have no problems! I’m sitting here typing on my computer wondering why I’m introverted, withdrawn or apathetic when the reality is–NOTHING IS WRONG. Maybe it’s just that I was sick and tired. Mabye I just needed some rest. I’m not cooped up indoors and I do go out. My perspective is askew and I think things are tiresome or boring because I HAVE NO DRAMA in my life. No bad relationships, no long distance boy-with-kid drama, no stress at work (in fact, I’m back to my work-loving long hours and workaholic ways!)…  I’m  not hanging out with a mad number of people or having wild adventures so is THAT why I am strange and feeling like a recluse?

Since childhood, I’ve been conditioned to exist in chaos. Horribly abusive father, a house with 9 people sharing 2 bathrooms and fighting over the remote (god, imagine if we had to fight over a computer–only me and my dos programming bro would fight over that)… what else? my family was steeped in chaos and instability. after the divorce   my mom lived off of 200 dollars month to month… i figured that out one day while overlooking (and finally understanding) her checkbook balance. After that day, I never asked for dance lessons.

Anywho, for the longest time I surrounded myself with drama–hence my overdoing it with drinking, the fag-haging, and the you-name-it-addictions.

I take on more than I can handle and I rise to the challenge and drama. For once I can concentrate on myself and it is strange to have calm and quiet. I’ll see if I can enjoy and sustain it… eeks! sooo weird.

No more chaos:

something really crazy happened over the last 2 years since i stopped drinking… my friends have switched from nothing but gays to nothing but straights. except Gianni. I am no longer the dramatic drunken tragic fag-hag that has a million gay boys and reigns over 17th and R, but am the normal girl who has only one gay side kick (it’s Gianni for now… strange!) I have hung out with Gianni three times in the last week and more than any other boy since I’ve been back.

I love my gay boyfriends, especially Filip, Chris, Steve, Domingo, David (UNCKIE DAVEY!), Paul, Brad, Don, and Henry. But I haven’t seen you guys in SOOOooOOOoOO long!

I realized that my friendships had expanded beyond homos when, at Drea’s goodbye dinner, we both realized that we were the only girls at the table and that we were surrounded by straight guys (there wasn’t one gay guy with us and both Drea and I–epitome of fag-hag–were scandalized!)

I have never had straight guy friends and now I’m not only surrounded by them, but enjoy having platonic friendships! I feel so normal, so suburban. I don’t know why? I used to think that straight girls couldn’t be friends with straight guys unless there was no attraction or there were boundaries laid out (like one is in a relationship, for example)

Strange! But now I’m completely single without strings anywhere and am surrounded by good and budding platonic friendships with straight men without any odd sexual tension (more or less)! So shout out to straight boys: Matthew, Andrew F., Andrew H., Chris D (eventually), Nick, Nate, Brett, Chris P, Ben and Patrick… now quit staring at my tits. just kidding.

……

who says straight guys can’t get crazy? Gianni’s straight bro Greg was going nuts at the Leather Rack! Oh, Gianni is going to kill me when he sees that I posted this. He’s such a catholic, but no guilt here:

I had a very tight family and lived in the burbs for about a quarter of a year.

so after months of living in the burbs
surrounded by niece and dog
I’m nearly assaulted in the city
during one of the few attempts to go out and party
after weeks of spending time alone and secluded
having detached from most of my friends
and being utterly useless from illness  and ennui
and back in DC, buried in work and day job…

I need some lovin!

Should I do one of the following:

1) get a dog
2) get a cat
3) get a roommate
4) get a life
5) go back to the gym and forget affection and love
6) some of the above???

If you know me, what should I do? If you don’t know, what would YOU do?

Today was a series of unfortunate events.

• Didn’t go out.
• Didn’t go to the gym.
• Didn’t run errands.
• Didn’t go clubbing.
• Pissed off my next door neighbor (why doesn’t Bush hire him for CIA–and send him to Iraq– his hearing is to near super-hero proportions!)

Altogether, it wasn’t SUCH a bad day.

However, the night wasn’t over. At 11:45pm, with only 15 minutes left of the day, I was nearly attacked on U street. A guy next to another dude in a wheelchair was standing at the corner of the 7-11 on 12/u street. I walk pass and the wheelchair guy says "hi," so I yell "hi" back without looking and continue towards the store. I noticed the other guy standing around all fidgety and pacing with a cigarette in his hand.

Just as i said "hi" and passed them, the fidgety guy lunges at me, yells at the side of my head that he was "going to shove his cigarette up my ass" and then follows me into the 7-11, leaving the wheelchair guy behind.

It’s nearly midnight and there’s only me and the cashier with crazy drugged up asshole yelling and following me around the store. For some reason, he was stuck on me.

I cannot articulate in this blog just how awful this guy was: his voice was full of vitriol and hate, his yell made the cashier at 7-11 jump (and I’m sure she’s used to seeing and hearing it all) and there wasn’t anyone else outside of me and cashier in the 7-11 which put us in a precarious position because the guy was scrappy, young, tall and animated. He was so cracked out.

Luckily, he just waited at the door while I paid and stayed inside. I was so scared to walk passed him. There was no way I was going to Taint tonight.

I hustled back to my friend’s, waited until I could calm down and then left. She told me a story about a guy who went up to her face and told her that when she gets back to her husband or boyfriend or whatever to tell him to be happy for what he’s got.

Of course, JUST my fuckin luck, who should I run into outside but the same guy who accosted Wendy, saying "excuse me…" and "tell your husband or boyfriend to give you a kiss on the jaw…" and I just sped-walk away from him and crossed the street.

Instead of catching a cab, I tempt fate and bad luck to walk home. I wasn’t going to be all afraid of the city. But of course one thing was running through my mind:

ALL SIGNS POINT TO MY NEVER LEAVING MY HOUSE EXCEPT FOR WORK.

Every time I go out to mix in public it’s a disaster. The last time I went out, I ended up watching a movie that… well I won’t go there because I don’t want to spoil it for Brian and anyone else going to see City of Men. The time before that I left the house to enjoy good weather and ran into 2 unsavory ex-boyfriends, one I hadn’t seen in 5 years.

Silver lining of the day: an unexpected and fortunate event that happened today. I had such a good time during a spontaneous hang-out with someone who I was sad to seperate from. We were standing around by my door attempting to leave my place and we couldn’t end our conversation. I kept saying, oh, "did I tell you this?" and he kept asking questions about Drea and we both kept cutting ourselves off–we had a lot of catching up to do.

See? It’s better to stay indoors and not leave into the public.

Oi vey! I’m getting scared of U street? I really haven’t been out much.

I haven’t been able to go to bed at a decent hour since I’ve been back.
Life has been alarmingly placed on hold for me. Work is going at
breakneck speed, but my social life has slowed to a crawl. Last
Saturday I spent lazing around in the sun with my good gay bfs, Filip
and Chris (aka spinach). That day featured a cameo appearance by Brad
and some other dude he’s dating… but I was only out because of the
weather.

Oh
shit, I forgot to mention that I ran into an ex-fling and an ex-boy
friend of 3 years. John flippin Punsalan! He was much cuter than his
friendster/myspace pictures let on (he looks old and ragged in them),
but he had aged and I realized then that 8 years makes a different in
age… I was 22 when he was 30, now he is 37… eeks, how old does that
make me?

I
think I have grown much better looking with age. I’m more confident,
smarter, my hair is much better tended for and my style (while less
flamboyent) is more relaxed and classier (i don’t wear turquoise or hot
pink eye shadow like back in the fag hag days… I was so fabulous back
then!)

I
digress. So I’m back in DC. It has been approximately 1 week since I
have moved back into my old place. One week of living in DC and going
to work consistently.

I have reversed everything now.

Work is more important than life outside of it. I don’t work out, I stay indoors, I live in the city but take no advantage of it. I avoid friends when before I embraced them and shuffled Drea around to meet them.

Things were so unstable with Drea and no wonder I’m so sick–I ran
myself ragged! I was so stressed about having enough money to pay for
bills, how much more work would I compromise with Drea’s illnesses and
school obligations, what condition is my condo in DC in and how long
can I count on renter being there?

I
was busy but Drea and I fought a lot! I cried so much with Drea, I felt
so bad that she was unhappy and that I wasn’t being a good enough
guardian. Why am I sad now? Maybe I’m not sad but bored. Maybe I’m sick
of being sick?

Maybe I’m just getting winter blues or just lagging because I HAVEN’T WORKED OUT IN 6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh god.

OH
GOD! I miss that treadmill, the sweat, the endorphins, the smell of the
WSC conditioner, the coolness of the air when first entering the silver
spring pool… I need to get better and staying up at night is not
going to help. Why can’t I go to sleep? And why is my exboyfriend Chris
messing with my mind? Is HE stressing me out?

That’s a whole other story that I won’t get into because I’ll be here all night typing. Good night and GOOD LUCK!

I made a quiz about fag-hags.

What Kind of Fag Hag are You???

You have been called a fag-hag, fairie princess, fruit fly and are
proud of it! Maybe you’re in denial and aren’t so proud of it–well you
can still take this quiz even though you’re a bitch.
IF you know and love homos, then you might know that although women are
rare in the gay scene, those that are there are loyal, fun, dah-rama,
and mostly messes, but we do have SOME differences. Find out what kind
of fag-hag you are.

I am a loner. I have no friends, am in seclusion, but will I stay in shadow forever?

here’s what I mean:

For three months, I have been out and about, showing Drea the world of DC, gays and city living. I’ve taken her to ball games, national cathedrals, parks, ice skating, museums, and gay parties. She has learned about gym culture, politics, public transportation and navigating medical insurance. I have introduced her to my coworkers, my bosses, and work associates that I interact with sporadically. She has gone to PH conferences, meetings, volunteer nights and work parties.

She has been my side kick, confidante, best friend, roommate, sparring partner, and sometimes enemy as we argue over mistakes and misunderstandings. We were a family and even adopted a dog. We were never at home, always eating out, always working out and inseperable save school and work (and even in the begining she was with me at the office post-school).

We threw a birthday party where she met many of my friends and hosted 3 goodbye parties the weekend before she left.

She left and I was forced to go in solitary confinement with a cold/flu/cough from hell. Well, I wasn’t totally isolated, I stayed with Wendy and the two of us were coughing bookends–miserable, sleeping all day long, and illin’

Long story shortened (but not quite short), I have been in hiding since Drea left. Sick, tired, stressed, and still busy with apartment logistic crap, I hadn’t really struck out of my house (er, Wendy’s amazing condo) during the entire month of December.

I went to Texas and spent more time in bed than out of it because of my cold. 

So fast forward to tonight, what was going to be my "coming out party" where I finally entered the social scene and enjoyed myself fraternizing in the company of gays and straights all bonded by good indie music. Alas, I was too sick to go but really just ended up working late, like every night since I returned from vacation. I was at the office, on a Friday night, at 8pm. At least I had an interesting conversation about immigration and worker’s rights in spanish with one of the cleaning crew (my spanish has improved over time I am noticing…)

Anyway, I wonder if I will ever go out into the public. If my friends will include me in their spam party alert text messages and call me for brunch. I wonder if any of them will dignify or mention the motherhood that was thrust upon me as quickly as it was taken away. I know that my gym accepted me with open arms and remarked upon my absence from the "scene" ("where have you BEEN?" said the pool guy last night!) but of course, I pay for my  monthly membership so they’ll take me back, I’m paying!

I have spent more time being indoors and secluded and have enjoyed it. Perhaps I’m enjoying a break from the mayhem of showing Drea around? Perhaps it’s not a break and I shall forever remain a hermit? What if I don’t return to the scene and my friends  and I forever avoid most of them unless they aggressively seek me out. What if being sick was just an excuse to not go out tonight? I did end up working.

I will figure this out after a long night of sleep. yay!

In no order of importance:

1) research future grad school and long-term career options, hopefully doesn’t entail law school or beauty school options

2) spend less money, save more money, discover get-rich-quick scheme and become a millionaire. use coupons and double them wherever possible.

3) become a super star by any means possible

4) own a dog if I have a lifestyle that supports it (which doesn’t include moving to silver spring)

5) get a lifestyle that supports owning a dog

6) save the world or perhaps one or two countries.

7) travel as often as possible

read as often as possible, dirty books and magz count suckas!

9) determine whether I want to continue my path towards becoming an international dj

10) determine how to sound proof my walls so that my old crotchety neighbor does not complan

11) avoid getting arrested by the cops.

12) get rid of all the toxic energy and people in my life

13) pick and choose my battles with care

14) polish up my spanish so I can impress people with my hot Penelope Cruz spanish lisp and better fake being foreign

15) improve my harmonica skills. no joke! I got a dvd to help.

16) stop guilt tripping over not being able to help others as much as I would like to

17) learn how to leave work at a decent hour

18) learn how to knit

19) learn how to drive

20) take a stand-up comedy course and get my ass on stage somewhere.

That is all. It might be a busy year if I try. I might end up just chucking all of this and going back to drinking and eating like it’s going out of style. JUST KIDDING :)