Empty nest
Monday, December 4th, 2006
So I saw Drea off at the airport today. We were very emotional and very scared. I could see it in her eyes and she could see it in mine. We both knew that this seperation was inevitable and necessary. We both made excuses to stay together as long as possible at the airport. I actually received a guest pass to go through security, she needed help with boarding Carmelita.
Once I left her and Paul and I were driving down the road, the wave of sadness and loss hit me like a ton of bricks. I would cry to myself and hide behind my sunglasses and then hold my breath and start talking about something superficial to take my mind off of things.
I got into the office and avoided talking to people at work. I sat down at my computer and saw the little post it notes that Drea left around my office saying "I love you!" and "Aundrea and Auntie Debbie rox!" and it made me cry. Her computer at the desk I made for her across my desk in my office seemed unbelievably big and empty. I was haunted by the memory of her dancing down the hallway to enter my office to ask for company to the bathroom or for help getting a drink in the kitchen. Someone entered and asked if any volunteers were coming in the next day for work and I immediately thought of how Drea would jump up to help and how she won’t be here to help.
Everyone asked about Drea and I didn’t really know what to say about why she left early. My cheeks hurt so much from crying sporadically throughout the day. There’s a muscle that tenses up in the jaw close to my dimples that hurts now from over-use with crying. I feel like someone very close to me has died.
I am home now. We had a late meeting at work and I got a ride back from my coworker who knew Drea and had actually driven Drea and me to Walter Reed Medical Hospital ER until the wee hours of the morning one work night because we got an MRI that time. Andrew would always help and ask about her and even was the only one of my coworkers to show up to her goodbye dinner in Silver Spring. Not only that, but he showed up to the post-party even though it was all the way in DC (he lives in Silver Spring.)
Anyway, I grabbed the keys and thought about how Drea would rush to get her keys first and call herself the "key-master," opening the door and then rushing to the mailbox to get the mail (only having to defer to me in a minute because she couldn’t finagle the box open with the key).
With each step up the flight and a half staircase, I started to get sadder and more upset that from here on out I would take them alone. By the time I reached our floor, I was in tears.
I’m still kinda crying because everything reminds me of her. Her pop tarts that she left behind, her power puff girl pillow case that she claimed would keep her up at night because of buttercups big glaring eyes on the case behind her resting head… Carmelita’s puppy pad clean and unused in the bathroom. Tickets to the hockey game that Brian took Drea and me to the night before she left. Homework in the corner that she would have finished had she been around. Her knee brace that she didn’t want to pack because she had enough from the stash we had stolen from numerous trips to the ER.
I miss her so much. her little face smashed up against my cheek. Her dancing around the living room. Her small voice shouting "BABYLA! Look..!" while she does something very silly.
She is such a wonderful and good girl. I think, if I didn’t have a condo in DC and had additional support, this could have worked. Perhaps if my sister stayed with me in Silver Spring and helped with bills and driving around… maybe? But these are dream scenarios.
I had great plans of taking Drea to colleges in the area, of finding her an internship with a veterinarian or animal hospital. I wanted to look at high schools too. I had visions of 4 years of giving Drea the best life she could ever have. I know that was a major pipe dream though. Unsustainable at best. At worst? Who knows.
All I know is that I there is no longer laughter and dog barks in my house. I will sleep alone and brush my teeth alone. I miss Aundrea. And to add to all of this, I met this really great guy who had to go back to Texas too. I had a couple of fun nights with him as well (Drea tried to give us time and space and didn’t even mine sleeping in the other room with Carmelita!) But now i’m all alone. Brian is gone. Carmelita is gone. Drey-drey is gone 
It’s nearly 11pm. Shall I go to sleep or continue making myself cry with all this nostalgia?
