Tails of a 17th Street Geisha

I just had my one year review at work today. Instead of talking about my past work and accomplishments, my boss and I spoke about what my department needs to do in the next year. It’s kind of funny how… what the fuck? why am I talking about work. next topic… body iamge.

Being with Bryan has been unbelievable. He’s really into my body and tells me frequently that he loves it. I’m starting to believe him and it’s weird that I could have spent so much time in my life hating it.

I remember being 30 pounds thinner and hating my body at the time. Now I wish I was back at that body size! It’s almost a cyclical process: there’s some problem in the beginning that triggers emotional eating or drinking alcohol as a crutch, then you gain weight, hate the growing size of your body and the loss of control you have from using food/booze as a crutch, and then because you’re so upset about weight gain, you eat/drink some more and gain more weight. You’re out of control, hating your body and digging yourself deeper into a pit of self-loathing. You end up eating/drinking yourself until you forget about the original problem because now you have a whole series of new ones!

Instead of dealing with the emotional trigger, most parents, friends, doctors, nurses, etc., try to deal with the physical manifestations of it, not knowing (or caring) that it stems from unhappiness. People would always say, "what a beautiful face… what a shame!" or "if only she exercised" or "she would be a model if only…" How nice, eh? EVERYONE would say shit like this and it would reinforce to me that those closest didn’t care about HOW I FELT but WHAT I LOOKED LIKE. If I’m already unhappy, what makes people think that I’m going to radically change what and how I eat so that i can make THEM happy?

My body was a reflection of pain and sadness and I couldn’t give a hairy rats ass about appeasing others. Some thought that I would be happy if I lost the weight, not realizing that the weight would come off once I dealt with the issues that made me unhappy. Eventually, the added weight continued to compound the pain and problems and became a problem in and of itself. Perhaps I wanted people to see the weight and not the weight of a burdened soul?

Enter the binge drinking, bad relationships in college, an abusive workplace environment (that I put up with for 5 years)… and the spiral of weight gain and drinking spun faster. At this point I wonder–did I want to have problems that took up all my time so I couldn’t dwell on the one problem (or series of problems) that started this whole chain of events in the first place?

Leaving the bad workplace, I started to find more time for myself and to care more about myself and needs. I moved back to DC and bought a condo. I was still drinking however and I was still hiding in the gay community. Hiding from what?

I think I won’t know what my original problem was that came about around the time of my parents divorce (seperation anxiety?) but it’s now a game of chicken or egg to know if my body image issues were the new problem or if they were a reflection of the problem.

Giving up drinking and facing my fears without booze was a HUGE step in the right direction. meeting someone who is not judgemental and who is extremely considerate, who makes me love myself is ANOTHER huge step. I think I’m traversing a positive path out of that horrible cycle, but damn, it took a while and it was hard!

I know what I enjoy doing in life, but I never actively pursue it. Why am I so unmotivated? I really enjoy spending time with my friends and LOVE to go out at night and get crazy with the best of them, but I know that I have to think about myself and focus on doing things that move me forward in life, right? Instead of getting all into my turntables (I could have gotten soundproofing, that’s no excuse), I spend all my hours in Dupont going from one friend’s house to another and then to a club.

When I should be polishing up my Spanish, exploring grad school options, or doing other productive things with my time, I end up going for coffee with this boy, drinks with these girls, or dancing with Gianni! Aargh. I love doing all these things, but I really ought to balance it out with life-improving things. I really want to focuse on being the best Deb I can be, but how can i resist the temptation of juggling at the circle with Filip, shooting the sh*t with Chris (Spinach),  casting spells with David, watching Buffy with Domingo? I think of all the friends who I haven’t partied with in a while, Brad and Elisa, Steve and Tos, Howard and Michael Ray, the list goes on… and I get sad because my friends are so much fun and I have to figure out how to do all of it. Perhaps if I spent less time on this thing and myspace! alrightee… meeting up with Nisha for dinner!

So I’m #2 out of the 1400 folks vying for the PSP that friendster’s giving away for the hottest pic. or something. I’ve got some great friends who figured out how to bookmark me and had already built up a set of bookmarks from random dudes, so I’m ahead!

Still… I really want this friggin PSP and need you to bookmark me and get your friends to bookmark me! F*ck being "hot" (aaargh, I hate all of it, but if someone’s going to win it should be me!)

1) go to my profile, http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=156646

2) find the set of links on the right hand side of my pic

3) look for "bookmark" and click on it

4) check the box to make it visible to me and click enter…

If you’re feeling REALLY generous, post the above steps on your bulletin board and get your friends to bookmark me! Seriously dudes, this is a competition of networks not looks. That PSP is worth at least 250 bucks!

In other news… I have been sick (and tired, literally spending sleepless nights coughing, tossing and turning) and feel bad because I have been MIA on friends since Madonnarama… I really love you! Promise I will call when i get better.

I have 6 other brothers and sisters. Apparently, my mom interpreted the catholic "rhythm method" to mean the rhythm of her hips and the rhythm of one child, every 2 years.

Back to my siblings. Each one of them is special in their own way. Each one of them sucks in their own way too. Right now, we’re having spousal wars. All of my sisters have some great opinions of the other sister’s husbands. When I dated a Muslim, he was a complete lightening rod for criticism (those were of the more harmonious years). Right now, it’s my sister Alex versus Susan’s husband Richard.

During Jennifer’s wedding, Alex got into a fight with Richard’s mom. That ’s right. Richard is the kind of person who is so controlling and so socially awkward, that he has to bring his mother around to every family gathering and event he goes to. Did I mention he’s like, 45?  Anyway, Richard heard that Alex was talking snap about his mom so he emails all of my brothers and sisters:

—–abbreviated email—————————————–
Recently it has come to my attention that someone in the Castro family is
running thier mouths about my mom. This person has really got nothing better
to do with thier life. Instead of talking to just me or Susan they had to
start talking to the whole Castro family. My mom is not a mean person!
Maybe someone just doesn’t know her well enough. My mom has never degraded
Susan. My mom has always helped Susan. If you don’t see us at family events then you’ll know why. It used to be  scheduling problem, not any more.
(I kept spelling errors in there for added effect)————————————–

So I reply:

From: Debbie [mailto:parisfemme@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 4:09 PM
Subject: Re: Richard’s Mom

By emailing the entire list of castro kids, you are in effect, stooping to the level of the person who didn’t approach you directly. Why not take your own advice and approach that person instead of airing it out to all of us to satisfy your need to retaliate through shame.

On Friendster one of the largest single social networks is the pro-choice network. Recently the person running them decided to share her identity.

The next world of political organizing is in the person to person space - whether a replacement for meetup, or in the more creative use of sites like friendster - this allows organizations to reach out to real people who have expressed real interests and can build real bonds. In the flesh world someone like Debbie would be a ward captain, or an organizer for a city chapter. It’s just that her precincts are in the netropolis.

———————————————-

help me win this friendster contest so I can get a PSP… all you have to do is bookmark me. Go to my profile and to the right of my photo you’ll see a "bookmark" link, follow it and please make it visible so I know how many I’ve got.

For more on the contest see below (it’s pretty damn lame):

Enter the Friendster “Now That’s What I Call Hot!” Photo Contest, and you could win a Sony PSP plus a featured spot on Friendster’s homepage and newsletter! Here’s how it works: ONE! Heat up that profile with your hottest photos. (Did you know that now you can upload 25+ photos? But please: nothing too explicit.) TWO! If you haven’t already, join this very Friendster Photo Contest group. THREE! Explore other group members’ profiles and bookmark the ones with the best pics (yes, invisible bookmarks count). SMILE! Whoever gets the most bookmarks in the group WINS! NOTE: The contest begins at 12:01am PT on August 15th, 2005 and ends at 11:59pm PT on September 15th, 2005. 

I’m exercising like a maniac, running every other day and still not getting enough sleep. I’m sleeping like 4-5 hours a night. no matter when I get to bed I wake up at 6:30am (which is great for exercising)… anyway, I’m exhausted and my friend from Orlando, Don, is coming this weekend. We’re going to tour during the day and party each night…

I think I shall collapse on Sunday night when he leaves…

Paul’s coming to town next weekend and Roz is coming shortly thereafter, life is getting back to normal… Paul and Roz are my bestfriends in DC. Roz was a workout buddy and Paul was my fag-bangle.

So tired… someone give me a back rub, STAT!

-Deb

*ps* 41 days of being sober (and I’ve been testing myself in straight/gay clubs and bars!) I’m so good…

That last post was lame. Okay, back to life…

Yet again, I go to a straight club. I actually went to Ozio again because my friend Chris is the dj on the 4th floor vip area (I know, you can touch me later.)

Anyway, I realize why I hate clubs (especially straight ones):

1) you smell like ass, I mean, cigarettes whenever you leave one. it’s in your hair, clothes, even your friggin pubes (if you’re wearing a skirt)

2) you are hearded onto a dance floor with men surrounding it like we’re at the rodeo and they’re lassoing bulls, or something. total meatmarket.

3) men don’t understand the words "no" or "no thanks." If you tell them you’re a lesbian so that they leave you alone, they get even more aggressive and excited.

4) a diet coke costs 4 bucks. enough said.

5) you can’t even pop a squat above a toilet without catching crabs, their shitters are so nasty and wet.

(that’s me catching crabs at the Ozio’s bathroom w/ Elisa)

6) when the music sucks, EVERYBODY is on the dance floor, when it’s rocking, you’re the only one breaking it down (unless you bring your uber-fun friend Elisa who dances to everything and knows good music when she hears it!)

7) did I mention that women are hearded into the dance floor with men surrounding them like a Ridley Scott movie.

a $4 diet coke doesn’t even get refills!

9) skanky bitches dance with their girlfriends all provocatively to make men stare when you know these girls would freak out if they danced with a real lesbian. If I wanted to see a show, I would go to the Southeast.

10) stupid drunks. throwing up. spilling their wine on your white shirt. grabbing you. pushing their drinks in your face. falling down. making out with everyone… oh, those were the days (just kidding)

I am still SOBER–35 days strong. Woot! Woot!

-Debs

*ps* OF COURSE, I meant to say "tails" instead of "tales" in my blog header… we are talking about gay men here, Hello!

Got a calendar?

Circle this date: Friday, August 12th. Next to the circle write "before sunrise" and "Meteors!" Attach all of the above to your refrigerator in plain view so you won’t miss the 2005 Perseid meteor shower.

The Perseids come every year, beginning in late July and stretching into August. Sky watchers outdoors at the right time can see colorful fireballs, occasional outbursts and, almost always, long hours of gracefully streaking meteors. Among the many nights of the shower, there is always one night that is best. This year: August 12th.

So make a date with your girl or boy and find a dark spot to park or a roof-top deck to relax on…

Tomorrow marks the 30th consecutive day of my newfound sobriety. A toast… er, drinks are on me… um… let us raise our glasses… hmm.

here’s how I felt in those thirty days:

Week one

Emotion: Totally depressed, but oddly tempted by drinks (perhaps withdrawals?)
Thoughts on topic: "I hate alcohol. I’m so ashamed about that day. I want to die." Physical condition: I still had alochol in my system. I’m sure.

Week two

Emotion: Totally confused.
Thoughts on topic: "Who am I? What am I supposed to do on Friday night?"
Physical condition: It was a mental trip. I was emotionally stressed.

Week three

Emotion: Happy. Stupor.
Thoughts on topic: " I’m saving so much money. I have all this time on the weekend because I’m not partying hard and I’m waking up early!"
Physical condition: Alive, energized.

Week four

Emotion: Guilt. Confusion.
Thoughts on topic: "Am i cured? Can I ever go back to drinking? Have I a handle on this? Do I even want to drink at all?"
Physical condition: still energized.

So there you have it. I’m alcohol free for 30 days! I haven’t gone to one AA meeting, but that’s because I’ve been too busy trying out the straight dating scene… there are a lot of interesting and nice guys out there (and some creepy crawlers too…)

Here are some pictures I found on the net that depict the heinous affects of alcoholism: