Tails of a 17th Street Geisha

I spent the last 5 years working at the Feminist majority foundation and spent most of my adulthood hanging with gay men. I think I’ve grown to become very afraid of straight men. I imagine being abducted, tortured, raped and killed by the way some of these guys look at me as I’m walking down the road to work or on the bus. I swear to god it feels like I’m being hunted.

My friend Bri told me that all women get checked out and I have to get over it. I wish there was a place where women didn’t immediately get assessed by men at first glance and where personality and interest is important. I wish i was a lesbian.

I spent all of last night and this morning packing and loading my b/f Paul’s worldly possessions. I almost went along with him on his drive to North Carolina but the one-way flight back from Raleigh/Durham to National was 177 bucks! He’s going to Duke U for a master’s in public policy.

(Cue the emotional background music:) For 2 solid years, Paul was my gay-partner in crime, my alcoholic comrade, my work-ditching/prank-playing/money-spending/debauchery-seeking co-conspirator. We would gab all day long about my friends and foes, make fun of everyone we knew, and have so many nicknames and inside jokes about everything. People hated us when we were together! We were virtually inseperable until I moved to Los Angeles. After I moved he became independent, stronger and more ambitious.

I’m a little sad that we grew apart in the time and distance between us, but we’re having a renaissance of sorts now that he’s leaving. He’ll be back in Dc for another week, finishing up his job at the Federal Trade Commission. Memorial day weekend, we’ll rent a car and go crazy around the city. I’m totally looking foward to it.

Tonight I"m going to Velvet Nation to see a dj that I would have paid 70 dollars to see in Orlando during Gay Days. It’s Roland Belmares, and if you google him you’ll hear how gay and circuit-clubby he is. I haven’t travelled in such a long time, but I’m going to Orlando for Gay Days, Los Angeles for my sister’s wedding and perhaps Rehoboth beach for Memorial Day weekend. I’m totally excited about it.

Hmm… the weather is so great outside. I’ve been up since 6am helping Paul move. Oh yeah, some major water main broke in Adams Morgan and we won’t have any water until possibly tonight. I’ll have to stay @ a friend’s house to shower, shit and shave! Damn! I really wanted to work out but not if I’m going to be smelly all day.

I was just inspired by my good (and hot) friend Tos. His musings on being in a transitional period in his life made me realize that I too, am going through a similar phase and this dovetails perfectly fr om the last post on purging the fag-hag within.

I just moved from Los Angeles, bought a condo, got a new job, started hitting the gym. Like Tos, I’ve also  found myself more reflective and honest with both others and myself. 

I returned to DC and moved 8 blocks from my old home of 17th/R, 8 blocks in either direction from good friends in Columbia Heights and Dupont. 8 blocks from my favorite bars, restaurants and shops. People no longer stop by my pad EVER. I have to plan on having people come over. I can’t accidentally bump into old friends on the street and spontaneously head off to a bar on a random Thursday. As a result, I spend more time in my apartment, at the gym, and cooking. I’m losing weight, gaining slightly more confident and almost on the verge of re-entering the straight social scene! egad!

Top 5 things to Banish the Fag-Hag within:

5) Cut credit cards in half

4) quit drinking

3) hang out in Adams Morgan, Capital Hill, Georgetown (uuururrrgh)

2) stop watching ab fab and dreaming of being Eddy/Patsy

and last but not least (and this one’s the hardest)

1) drop the attitude!

That’s right. You heard it here first. I’m going to find my identity outside of 17th and R. I need to stop flaunting my boobs at gay bars, hooking up with homos, dropping mad cash at the mall, fighting with drag queens (yeah Lena Let, Sp arkle…), talking trash with Paul, and drinking like it’s going out of style.

You will no longer hear me squeel "Oh, HONEY!"

You will no longer see me walking down 17th street with massive platforms/heels.

You will no longer see me heckling the straight couples at Dupont Circle. (I might still keep juggling with Filip there, though!)

That said, Gay Days 2005 in Orlando Disneyworld will be my last hoorah. Filip, Brad, JB and I will be sharing a room in the boys wing of the Sheraton, spending 5 days partying, drinking, tanning @ the beach, and sobering up on rides at Disneyworld (the "happiest" place on earth…) and there will be 60,000 gays and lesbians from around the world. I might explode, but it is my grand finale! I will make a ton of gay friends, spread my fair share of herpes around the community and get jiggy in the Orlando sun with gays from around the world.

I’m going to binge and then purge myself of the Karen inside me and I hope I make it back alive…

Oooh HONEY!

Last night at Yaniv’s goodbye party (he leaves back to his motherland israel in 6 days…*sniff*) I met a lot of cool new gay guys. The party had about 50-60 gay boys, 3 girls, one straight couple (this guy was in a serious relationship w/ my friend elena after I had a weird hookup with him at the chaos deejay booth where he once worked… ha! yes, Diego–that’s the secret of last night),  and 2 bisexual boys (that I knew of).

I had a drunken philosophical conversation about sexuality with a hot italian, Danny, with his boyfriend and this guy who said he was bi (oh boy do I wish!) Some gay boys have told me that they would have sex with a girl if she were hot.  HOWEVER, I rarely hear about one-night stands with girls from any of my gay boyfriends. Is it all talk?

I have made out with a LOT of gay boys (drunken mostly, with Yaniv being my favorite).  I’m rambling. I guess I’m wondering, what’s the point of a gay guy saying he would screw a girl if he knows that if the ideal situation presented itself, it would never happen…

One of my friends, let’s say his name is David, has a LOT of sex with men (he puts Filip to shame). Although he has a lot of sex with men, he has told me that he would never close the door to a potential partner with a girl. Actually, he said he’ll probably settle down with a girl because he has better friendships/relationships with them. I love David because he genuinely can fall in love with either gender, but I’m wondering… even if he could have a relationship with either sex, does his body crave sex with men more than with women? There doesn’t seem to be a balance of sex with men and women with him or any of the other bisexual boys I know.

None of this makes sense, but then again, I’m completely hung over and working on 3 hours of sleep.

Caesar’s Bath

If you could have sex with anyone on friendster, who would you do? *ps* don’t be an ASSHOLE and tell the people my little secret (or anyone else’s if they post it)Just think of this as our collective little secret–so don’t tell! :)))

Here’s my top 3:

1) Andreas (he’s actually a friend)

2) Nick (he’s my phone friend…)

3) Baran (he’s gay, but I’m hoping he’ll switch teams for one night!)

okay, there’s more:

4) Diego (he’s sooo HOT, again, GAYER than x-mas @ Liberace’s)

5) Juan (he has no idea, but I secretly crush on him and I’ve only met him ONCE. also, his pic on friendster does not capture his hot-ness)

6) Kreg (hot, hot, HOT! and look @ him with Clinton!)

Okay. I think that’s it for me. and you??? who do YOU wanna do? (This is so ridiculous, but borderline interesting…)

Last week Paul, Domingo and I had a magical experience on my birthday–just a total BLAST–so much FUN–at Taint (Gay indie pop-dance monthly @ DC9). We had promised to hang out the following weekend but have fun again.

We had planned on watching hitchhiker’s guide to the universe or galaxy or whatever, and instead, I derailed our plans because the weather was too nice to stay indoors and sober. Plus, none of us really wanted to make the trek out to Georgetown (although I live in Adams Morgan, I try not to stray too far from the 17th and R area… is that I lame or what?)

Domingo, Paul and I last night at various bars… Left bank, Le’Enfan t, Larry’s Lounge…

Anyway, we went to Left Bank for a drink or three and then to Le’Enfant, where I ran into this guy who I haven’t danced with @ Cobalt in years, and who suggested we go to Ziegfield’s. Oddly enough, my friend Gianni obsesses over Secrets (the gay nude strip sister-club of Ziegfield’s, I think) and come to find out Paul’s Bulgarian "friend" Dobermeer (sp?) is also interested in this joint. So we toy with the idea of going over beer (I had a rum/diet) @ Larry’s outdoor tables. I don’t remember why I went inside to the bar, but Domingo and Paul ordered me in for some reason or another and I spotted this HOT guy at the end of the bar. (I’m sooo tempted to post the pic of him I took on my cell cam, but that’s wrong, right?)

Anyway, of course I hit on him (the old Palm reading line… hehehehe) and gave him my number. We ended up going to Townhouse Tavern so I told him to meet us there. I had no idea he would actually meet us, but he did…

I wish people didn’t really read this, because I would love to treat this blog like a real journal. I used to have a journal when I was young and had to censure myself because my suspicious mom and then-loathsome sister Jennifer would constantly dig through my shit. Once, in an effort to be the best Catholic I could be during Lent and start anew as a good Catholic girl, I wrote down all of my sins on a piece of paper: shoplifting, teaching my friends to lift, stealing from my mom’s coin bag, cursing, fooling around with boys, etc., etc., AND SHE FOUND IT. All of my 14 year old teeny bopper secrets of bad behavior were out and MY MOM FOUND IT. Suffice to say, God works in mysterious ways and now I will never ever put anything down on paper, print or web that could incriminate me (and my mom will never go shopping with me because of her fear that I will start stealing shit and she’ll go down with me!)

All of this is to say that I can’t divulge what happened after this boy and I went to Domingo’s house and after this boy came back to my house. I can give some "lessons learned" bits though:

1. Sex with strangers always seems like a good idea, but doesn’t always work out. It’s very hard to communicate sexual issues when you don’t really know the guy–is he as kinky as me? will he take it personally if I ask him to slow down? is he being nice but not really into it? I’m sure he’s also wondering if I enjoyed it, if I faked it, etc.,
2. drunken sex isn’t always as fun as it seems it would be while you’re making out with a hot person. we were having a ton of fun @ Townhouse and it totally seemed like it would translate to fun later, but it kinda didn’t.
3. don’t have sex if you’re too self-conscious. I think I killed the mood by freaking out periodically last night and the morning after. It sucks for both women and men that these unattainable, emaciated, unhealthy and airbrushed images of women are propagated as norms by the media and fucks with the self-confidence the average-jane (or Maria, in my case).
4. the morning after is SO awkward, especially if the sex wasn’t perfect (or nearly as good as it seemed it would be earlier in the night…) Here’s our dialogue:

Him: "um, so, I had a great time. thanks."

Me: "um, thanks for dropping by." (I really said that!)

Him: "yeah, so I got your number on that napkin you gave me"

Me: [said while handing him my business card] "hey, so if you need help with your job search and apply to any pro-choice feminist organizations, call me" (Granted, I knew that he had applied to Catholics for a Free Choice and other groups).

And the really sad thing is that I thought he was cool, interesting, smart, fun, nice, hot (even after beer goggles were removed the morn’ after) and one night of bad drunken sex ruined any possibility of more… at this point, it’s a little too awkward to be friends. ce’ la vie.

You know this FreeIpods.com shit? Well, I spent several weeks getting 8 friends to sign up so I can get a free ipod. I only needed 5 referrals and then for me to sign up for their free services (that you have to cancel within a certain frame of time before getting charged). ANYWAY, since I was living with Roz and she and I signed up with the same address, they wouldn’t give me my free ipod. No amount of complaining on my part was going to get me the IPOD. So I decided that I wouldn’t buy an Ipod because I deserved to get one for free…

I’m FINALLY over it, so long story short… any one have any good ideas on finding a cheap 20gig ipod? :))))

Thanks!

Friendster is really weird. There used to be a time when it was all good and and fun, but lately, I’ve been getting an inordinate amount of random messages from weird guys either too close for comfort (DC/VA/MD area) or all the way around the world in Singapore and shit. I sure fucking hell friendster doesn’t become all nasty and myspace-ish. That place is a fuckin meat market where guys "collect" as many hoochie and scantily clad girls and girls try to win the "dirtiest" picture contest (even I felt the pressure to hootch out: me on Myspace). What other 5-degrees of Kevin bacon style web community will allow you to put a picture up to get ranked by others on how hot you are (btw: I got an 8 average from 47 votes, you like me, you REALLY like me!)

At any rate (oh geez, when did I become one of those p ersons who says "at any rate" ?)… ANYWAYS… I learned something about the way guys hit on girls online –or at least, on frienster: based on my experience, white indie boys (and some girls) will hit on you in the very subtle bookmarking technique while white hip-hop boys, djs and brown boys will hit on you directly by messaging you (unfortunatley, some of these come-ons are sooooooooo LAME…) On Myspace, guys will hit on you at least 5 times a day, all you need is a money shot (cleavage, sexually suggestive position, flesh…) I should just take my profile down.

Oh, and what’s up with these fuckin myspace profiles that have a million things downloading, slows your fucking comp (even a dsl connection) and then play stupid music and videos which "out" you at work as a cyber-slacker!? I hate that shit…

Oh, and why is friendster all selling out with these nasty ass dating ads with cleavage shots or worse…! I hate this shit. I hate that sex and tits sells everything.

Finally, who cares about Paula Abdul, American Idol and the runaway bride? I am soooOooO sick of TV. Cnn is covering this shit round the clock as if it were important… what about social security (and bush selling this shit to latinos!), Tom Delay’s fall (yeah!), the decline in support for the war in Iraq, etc.,?