Tails of a 17th Street Geisha

I am moving to a NEW BLOG: www.DCDebbie.com

Here’s a sample of what you can expect from this blog:

Sex (of course) What I like…

As narcissistic as I am… As huge of an ago as I’ve got… The outer shell of confidence, cockiness and strength that I project is SUCH a show. We all have many layers, but I have two serious layers: the outer shell that protects the very weak vulnerable self at my core.

At the end of the day, I am so delicate, so sensitive, and so vulnerable. I rarely let anyone get underneath the harder outer layer of protection and confidence. When I do, I’m very nervous and insecure while they’re seeing the real me. I am quick to push them out, quick to take offense, quick to read into their actions as more aggresive or threatening.

I’m pretty sure this shit stems from my childhood. I used to be all outer shell of happiness, confidence, and ego. The rug was pulled from under me when I realized that over many years the people who I thought were my friends in fact, didn’t like me.

I was oblivious to the mean comments because I was just a simple, happy person. They didn’t like me constantly trying to please the teachers by knowing the answers, they didn’t like me as an overachiever, they didn’t like how naive I was about life (my mom raised me catholic–I thought that “fuck” meant “let the devil be with you” so of course, I never used the word) They didn’t like that I was a tomboy and that I didn’t act “like a girl” - I loved sci fi, fantasy, Dungeons and Dragons, Star Wars, 1960s champagne music Dean Martin, soccer, baseball and video games. I hated dressing up, make up, and feminine behavior.

Once I realized that my reality of happiness and acceptance was completely false, I built this shell up to protect myself.

Now I need a lesson on WHO to let in, HOW TO ACT when they’re in there, and how to soften up that outer shell. This 22 year old (whom I’m trying not to be serious about) is so innocent and simple–he’s made me think a lot about trust, vulnerability. I’ve only been with him 3 times this week, and I can’t believe how much I’ve learned! He also has me talking about how my self-worth cannot be attached to the happiness of others or else I’ll never be happy. We had this weird  “you’re a martyr and you need to live for yourself” talk and well, I’m kinda inspired to work on me
Most of my relationships I focus on pleasing the other person, but this guy is refreshingly insightful on why this isn’t good and already wants to help me change. WEIRD! but good.

I keep dating guys thinking that I have a small window of time to do so. I’m not dying! My niece is away at a special school for kids like her, raised with really fucked up family situations (in her case: a dying mother, violently angry and emotionally abusive father)… but I wasn’t sure how long my niece would be gone and now that it is looking more permanent than temporary–I don’t feel in a rush to settle down. Does that make sense?

When my niece was living at home, I spent all my time (when not working or working out) being at home taking care of her and trying to keep the household together. Depressed sister, bipolar chain smoking 16 year old who would sometimes come home stoned and sometimes show up to school. Her homeless boyfriend would be over all the time and once we caught them having sex.

Fuck, those were terrible days. months.

I cycled through exboyfriends so I wouldn’t go absolutely crazy without sex, but it wasn’t enough. I started to want affection. One of the exes was good for that, but it wasn’t fair to him and I wanted more than an open relationship with affection and sex. So, I started dating.

Guys at the gym, Facebook friends, Twitter, Clubs, Parties… uurgh. I was open to the possibility of meeting/dating a guy from all sorts of places. But since I thought I had limited time to date before my old family responsibilities would creep back. I thought, this guy is great, let’s speed it up a bit, in case Drea gets out early!

Not a good way to treat relationships. I also dated a LOT of guys in a short amount of time–never really developing any of them. Dropping them after one date after harsh scrutiny. This one doesn’t like DC, this one likes his mom too much, this one asks strange questions, this one doesn’t eat meat… hahaha

After full-contact, speed dating with at least 20-30 guys in the span of 90 days (no joke— I dated 5 guys in one day in April) I’m THROUGH! for now
I am retiring all my heels that are over 3 inches tall. I’m not putting on makeup unless for work related functions. I’m not going to mess around with ex boyfriends. I don’t even want to go out again.

I had this phase before: GYM DEBBIE! She goes twice a day, she works out during lunch, she’s lifting heavier weights, she’s dragging/sneaking friends to the gym. She’s running 5ks and 8ks (I wish!) maybe she’s going back to Yoga and Pilates? She’s taking care of her sister’s bills, focusing on herself, helping her friends, reading more tarot cards, spending less time putting herself in the path of assholes! and overall being more responsible.

I have a cancer rising, it’s time to go back in my shell and take care of my wounds.

This is a most introspective blog post, but I had a conversation with a guy last night about the things he needed to sleep consistently and it had me evaluating myself and the things I need to sleep, to stay sane.

An exboyfriend who is bipolar controls it with medicine and  counselling, but he also has to control his environment. In order for him to stay sane (literally, sane), he has to avoid alcohol, sleep regularly and exercise consistently. He also needs a life partner who will keep things stable (which is why we couldn’t be together!)

Here is a list of the things I need in my life to stay sane:

** Water, daily. I don’t know how my sister lives her life without drinking even a glass a day. She lives off of Sprite. When I’m in a bad mood, half of the time it’s because I haven’t had enough water in the day. I think we probably wouldn’t have all these wars in the world if people drank more water. Just kidding

** Exercise, daily. I can’t sleep at night if I don’t work out for at least an hour. Now, the workout can come from walking around or something light like shopping for shoes — it’s doesn’ t need to be an intensive grueling sweat-fest at the gym.  However, the more intense the workout the better I sleep.

** A consistent sleep schedule. If I’m in bed and asleep before midnight and up by 6am (and at the gym by 6:30) I am VERY VERY happy. The last several weeks of endless birthday parties and gay-clubbing with the ‘mos is very fun, but I’m ragged at work, without focus. I also lose valuable gym momentum as I can’t wake up to workout and I never leave work early enough to work out (plus a late workout isn’t good because it takes at least 2 hours for my body to cool down to sleep)

** Music, nearly 24/7 –I can’t stress that when I’m in my apt, in front of my computer at work, working out or lollygagging around town, I want my MTV… or Pandora or iPod. I need a soundtrack to the day. The music either revs me up when I need energy, soothes me when I’m stressed, gets me in the mood getting ready to go out, or focuses my mind when I want to think or read. I remember when I lost my iPhone headphones and refused to buy new ones ($40!) I spent a week at the gym without music and my workout suffered. Give me a good beat!

** Social communication, daily – I love to talk. Remember when all we had were telephones, attached to the walls of our homes? I kinda loved those days. Cell phones, text messages, chats–are all fun, but sporadic and superficial conversations can’t be the only form our social outlet for me. Back in the olden days of landlines and call-waiting (when I was 12,) if I didn’t have a friend in front of me chatting,

 I was on the phone non-stop with them. I love having my friends to gossip, complain, debate, advise, deliberate, scheme…

if I don’t have at least one good conversation a day, I feel a little lonely, sad.

** Sex, at least 3-5 times a week –I’m currently a bitch because I’m not getting any. Climbing the mother fucking walls I tell you. Green Day has it right “Masturbation’s lost it’s fun…” it gets old after 2 weeks.

** Being alone — My God, I need at least an hour a day to myself. Otherwise I start saying things aloud that might get me locked up.

Without these things, watch out!

Things I don’t do often that keep other people sane:

** Watching TV – not so much, I can get hooked on a show, but I hate commercials and I’m never at home to watch it much. When i DO watch TV, it comes in the form of hour-long marathons through Netflix, NBC4.com or Hulu.

** Drinking/Boozing — I don’t need it, had a phase of crazy drinking in my 20s and I’m burned out. It’s out of my system. There’s a long story here, but I just don’t drink any more.

 ** Dining out — Sure it’s fun, but I would be happy (if I had time/energy) to just save money and eat at home every day. Fuck, I’m like a cat–I could eat the same Cliff Bar (or Power bar or Fiber bar) at every meal. Food is just a means to a metabolic end. However, I appreciate good food and I love the process of making a delicious meal for myself or others.I also enjoy going out from time to time, but I don’t make it into a sport and I’m not a foodie by any stretch of the imagination. An organic apple tastes exactly the same as a shiny, pesticide-filled one. I just don’t get hard for food in the same way that others seem to.

Caffeine — I enjoy coffee, love organizing the social around it, but if I’m drinking coffee or soda on a daily basis to keep my energy up then I’m doing something wrong and I need to fix my regular schedule. Therefore, I usually don’t need caffeine to stay sane and I hated my life when I was addicted to it. I had a 2 red bull a day habit during my darkest time of life, working for a TERRIBLE boss who makes the Star War’s Emperor look like an Ewok.

I woke up to a call from Verizon Fios–they’re coming any time from 11am to 2pm. HOW fucked up is that? Now I can’t go to Arlington to go knocking on doors and canvass for my friend’s campaign. Poop.

So here’s the NEW plans for weekend of fun:

Saturday

1) rearrange furniture in the living room — now that Drea is in Baltimore, I’m going to open up her half of the living room and make it twice as big.

2) shop online for a balance ball, kettle ball and some free weights. Might get the heavy stuff at a store (shipping would be a bitch), but I’m going to look into it

3) pilates DVD… it’s been so long since I’ve used these DVDs and they were EXCELLENT. If I have to kill 4 hours in my apartment, I’m going to work up a sweat

5)  Friend’s birthday party and then salsa lessons with coworker

Sunday

I know i have something going on but I forget.. :/ Oh right… motorcycle riding with a friend. Hmm… have to decide if I REALLY want to do that. this would involve me wrapping my arms around him and sitting close for hours. Not sure I want to do that with THIS guy. Of course, never ever been on a bike before…

Just because somebody fucks well does not mean they’ll make a good potential  boyfriend. NEXT!

I have been on a high-speed dating spree for the last month.

It all started out with Twitter… haha embarrassing!

In the beginning of April, I met up with a Twitter friend who I had intended to be friends. There was so much unexpected attraction that within 48 hours of meeting him, it became a bootie call — well, bootie call was the intention. Having Drea and Alex in DC for the last 8 months — you can’t really develop a relationship under these circumstances with my priorities being focused on my family and all…

He posed the thought (post-romp spooning) that he didn’t care that I had such family circumstances — he wanted to date me. It made me realize: with Drea in the residential and Alex making friends of her own, managing her own money (sort of),  I COULD date guys with the intention of a relationship.

What a GREAT revelation! No more bootie calling with exboyfriends! No more bootie-calls with ”friends with benefits.” No more random hook ups — I’m way too old for that.  

Now that Drea was going to be taken care of in a long-term residential, I could actually date… 

So I went out a couple of times with him and was actually happy! I guess other guys pick up on a girl when she’s happily dating, so all of a sudden I was getting hit on, getting numbers, and getting asked out throughout April. At first, I ignored these come ons (some of whom were from HOTTIES!), because I was thinking of the first guy who I was “dating.” After a week of miscommunication and difficulty connecting with the guy “who broke my dating seal” I started to go out with other guys. I was a little disgruntled and also a nervous that my time of “freedom” to date would fleeting… maybe Drea would be let out early?  

Serial dating has taken its toll:

1) it interferes exercise, going out at night means later nights and difficulty waking up early for the AM workout

2) it’s hell on my diet. going out to eat a lot means weight gain. even if you order the right thing–there are hidden calories everywhere

3) it’s hell on my ego. I went out with this guy who I THOUGHT was into me, but then he never called back! He was pretty hot and told me he would call after his parents trip to town was over, but I got no love.

4) I get catholic guilt trips from saying “no” — after a date with this guy, he kept texting and calling me. I eventually had to tell this guy I wasn’t interested in a very direct way and I felt awful about it.

5) it’s exhausting! Dating involves you spieling about yourself, your life, your family, your work, your interests, blah blah and my life feels so complicated and so heavy, that it’s really fucking tough to tailor my life story to something acceptable and not S-C-A-R-Y.

Ironically enough, after all this dating I’m still enamoured with the first guy who broke the seal. He doesn’t seem to be AS into me and is super busy with his social life to really see me much.

So that said, EVEN THOUGH I have time and ability to date (and not bootie call) I am going to stop dating random guys. I’m also going to take a break from bootie calls. NO MORE EX BOYFRIENDS! No more Cleveland Park, Woodley Park or the others.

I know I’ve said that before, and while Cleveland Park is very enticing, I am going to quit all of these chumps! Focusing…

alright, time to think positively. here are the things that I am happy about:

1) I got all the tits in the family. My sisters are flat chested, and I’m a D

2) Niece is in the psych hospital and going to be in residential for a while, getting the help she so desperately needs (okay, okay, this should be my number #1)

3) I have a lot of good friends. I know they’ll take me back when I get my sister’s life back on track and I go back to living on my own

4) I’m the owner of an adorable cat! When I adopted Drea and sheltered Alex, they brought this adorable little, playful, frizzy-little, tiny-little, scrappy, wiley, monstrosity that is known as SAFFRON

5) I can afford to help my sister. So far, I haven’t gone bankrupt. She’s going to go bankrupt though, for sure. She is starting to get debt collectors on her ass for some hospitalizations. She makes $800/month on disability/work MAX. She can’t make more. How the hell can she afford her medical bills? I just don’t know. Luckily, we sold her car and she really doesn’t have anything they can take from her… but her credit score, which is terrible anyway.

6) I have a great collection of shoes. You should see them! I have 6 pairs of Fornarina. They make me happy. I even have a pair of ruby red mary jane shoes that are PERFECT for whenever I find that Dorothy dress

7) I’m still alive!  And being alive is due to the fact that…
I no longer drink. Haven’t had a drink since July 2005. The wedding. Eeeeek!

9) As a person with an addictive personality, I could get into a lot of trouble: spending, gambling, drinking, drugs… luckily, I choose work and exercise… sometimes sex, for my addiction.

10) I have a FAN-fuckin-TASTIC job that I love. Love going to work every day. Love waking up to go to work. I spent my first 5 years working HATING my job, which affected ALL aspects of my life, and I realize

that it’s important to love what you do!

So it ain’t all bad, nope. Not so bad. :)))

Being a caregiver sucks sometimes.

I thought it was going to be a helluva lot easier now that my niece is getting the care she needs and is in the psych hospital.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a HUGE relief and I’m totally happy about it, but… it’s not all good yet.

Maybe it’s just the time of year for my sister to get SUPER SUPER SUPER suicidal-level depressed, but this is hard. This time of year, around her birthday, she does very passive aggressive self-destructive things that land her in the hospital (ICU usually)

THIS WEEK my sister was told by two doctors that she needs to check herself into a psych hospital for care. She’s too depressed to take her meds. For the last 3 weeks she hasn’t taken half of her meds (she ran out of them and needed to press her doctor to fill the prescriptions for her but she hasn’t)

She doesn’t take care of herself, she leaves the house a big old mess, she loses things, forgets to make important medical payments, forgets VERY SERIOUS tasks for Drea’s mental health… she’s totally down in the dumps.

When I take time after work to do personal things, like work out or hang out with friends, I come home and she’s passed out or half-alive & miserable. I took every night out this week to clean up and get my apartment ready for the new renter and when I came home, the apartment looked like armageddon

I know she’s lonely, new city, fresh divorce, daughter in a psych hospital ill with an incurable, chronic illness… but I’m not sure what I can do for her.

I’m at work M-F, and I think I have to come home afterwards instead of meeting with friends.

I love her to pieces, but it’s been 8 months and I can’t spend all my time with her when I’m not at work.

It’s so much easier to have a sex life than a love life.

It’s so much easier to have a gym buddy than a regular old buddy.

Every time I see my friends, I realize that months have passed since I last spent time with them.

Next blog: the silver lining!

There are a couple of days in the year that are permanently etched in my mind. These are days of reflection and sometimes days of action:

1) My sister Susan’s death date: April 5, 2006

Every year I take this day off from work for reflection. This year I tried to live it up and be cheerful for my other sister who lives with me. When she gets in a depression, it’s really REALLY difficult to get her out of it.

2) Drea’s FIRST move in date: September 5, 2006

This day is the first day of PART ONE of my niece’s stay with me in Silver Spring. I took care of her for 3 months BY MYSELF until I couldn’t take care of her mental health issues.

3) Drea and Alex’s big move date: August 15, 2008

This was the first day of my new life as a caregiver to two emotionally disturbed people (one of whom is disabled and considered “terminally ill.”)

4) The date I met John: September 30, 1999

This was the day that I ended a HORRIBLE relationship with the prior boyfriend. This previous boyfriend slowly undermined me and oppressed me to the point of powerlessness. I didn’t realize over time that he took me away from friends and family and then ultimately, my own identity! After meeting John, I had the strength to DTMFA. John didn’t do anything but show me that men are not all evil and scary! Boy did I have issues. DID I have issues? LOL I’m sure I have a lot of security and trust issues still.  Maybe that’s why I can’t commit.

Tomorrow, April 15, is not just tax day (although I wish it wasn’t tax day…)

April 15 is the 9 month anniversary of the end of my single, fancy free life. When I had Drea for the first time in the fall of 2006, I thought I was going to have her forever. It only lasted 3 months–there was only so much I could do as a newly single-mom with no transportation to a very emotionally disturbed girl.

This time, with my sister in tow, I thought it would be easier. It was VERY VERY difficult as I had TWO people to take care of, not a second person to help with Drea. Ultimately, I balanced supporting my sister and empowering her to be a better mother, but it’s still not 100% perfect.

I still can’t believe that we survived the last 9 months.

I don’t know why I love helping other people so much, but sometimes it nearly kills me. God knows that blogging about it provides such a needed relief and deflation of surmounting pressure/anxiety.